i already hear my dad disowning me
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
