smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
