so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Randomize
