Porn is love you can see.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
