Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
