You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
