oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
