It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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