Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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