just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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