I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
