There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Randomize
