look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
