It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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