Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
