I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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