I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize