You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just invented taco cereal.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
