Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I need water and some morals
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
