hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
