I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
