yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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