I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
