I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
