I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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