Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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