My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
