matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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