I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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