I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
