I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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