he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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