Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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