No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
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I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
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Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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