I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
