There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
