clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize