i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
