i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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