how can u be prego again
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
