the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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