we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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