found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
high people should be assigned attendants
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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