I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I cut my penus on the lid.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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