Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
