Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Randomize
