Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
