I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
