no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
