I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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