I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
