Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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