I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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