im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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