I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
