i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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