The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
