I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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