I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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