Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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