And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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