I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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