I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
